Being Selfish

Recently this has come up in my house quite a bit...it makes me think...What exactly is "being selfish"? Is it asking someone for help and expecting to have that help? or maybe... It's asking for help then nagging about it for weeks untill it happens...? Could it be finally doing it oneself instead of asking? This is the one I think it is...seems everyone feels that they should NOT be asked to help. In todays world this seems to be an insult to the persone being asked...like maybe the asker is insinuating lazziness. Maybe selfishishness is when one choses to help another and that other choses to "forget" that the home they are living in is NOT theirs...that the food their consuming...is NOT theirs. That the hot water they are using when taking a shower...IS NOT THEIRS!! May selfishness is ASSUMING that life should be made perfect for one by another. The need to have someone else give one happiness. Maybe selfishness is NOT wanting to begin life at the beginning but expecting it to be started for one in at least the middle. I am not sure but in my upbring I was taught... NOT to take things that belonged to other people and IF I did "borrow" something it was "selfish" not to share in return. I was taught that it "was selfish" of me to "expect" someone else to clean up after me. I was taught that it was "selfish" if I did not do my part in helping the family home run smoothly. So forgive me if I am being "selfish" for asking for more than a few minutes of time by myself. Forgive me if I dont jump and do your laundry...I am being selfish. Firgive me if I have not prepared dinner because someone said they would do the dishes and they never got done. I am being selfish. Forgive me if after 12 hours of chasing babies and cleaning messes not nearly fast enough, I chose to NOT spend time with you and the other "adults" in this home. I am being selfish. (Come see me when the babies are in bed.) I am accused of being selfish...maybe I am being selfish...but as I see it...TREAT OTHER PEOPLE AS YOU WANT TO BE TREATED. Sorry but I know this is not just a problem in my home. In fact it is probably a problem in most of Americans busy households. A problem that has no one solution and the equation is too long for most people to commpute. I once knew a family of 16, (this mother had to be insane) Selfishness was NOT an issue in this home. Every one had a job (one room assigned to every member of the household and it must be done daily.), dinner was split up two people each night cooked and cleaned the kitchen. (a job done together helps build the skills needed to work with others.), Working members of the household deposited money into an envelope, sealed it, and stuck it in a box. This money went to food and other neccesities in the home...laundry was done by the mom...she washed and dried two peoples clothes a day it was the owners job to fold them and put them away, as well as to make sure they were in the laundry room on the day assigned. This family ran smoothly and all involved felt pride in the home they maintained. Best of all was with all working together they had a lot of time to spend playing together and just enjoying one another. Selfishness- adj, 1: concerned excessively or exclusively with oneself: seeking or concentrationg on one's own advantage, pleasure, or well-being without regard for others 2. arising from concern with one's own welfare or advantage in desregard of others. Funny how the next word in the dictionary is... Selfjustification. n: the act or an instance of making excuses for oneself or behavior. Selfish-I want time all by myself with out having to "make up" the chores I did not do to get this time. Selfjustification-I spend 7 days a week taking care of, cleaning up after, and refereeing fights, between four learning human beaings. I teach them, cuddle them, disciple them, train them, feed them, get beat up by, puked on, peed on, pooped on by these little humans. I take it in stride and keep hold of my temper with them 98% of the time. The other 2% I am hiding in the bathroom. Okay now they are all gone...guess they did not like reading over my shoulder...now I am going to take a nap...when I wake up they better have the chores done that are their messes not mine!!!!! So now I done ranting to the world...learn from my mistake...practice safe sex!!!

Paradise

Gonna run away from home, to a place far far away. A place with peace and sanity, and no slimey little face. A place where men, pick up the clothes, and children, are quiet all day. This place I'll find as paradise, somewhere in the sun. This place will offer me some peace, a quiet meal or two. Someday, somewhere, I'll find this place, for now... The babies fuss the babies cry, they want me night and day. The phone will ring, the dog will pee, and dinner will be late. The day today if Friday, should be the end of a week, for me this day means.... well shit what the hell is a weekend anymore!!! SOMEDAY I WILL PREVAIL!!!

A Rainy Friday Morning

Nothing new to blog so I thought maybe you all could use some entertainment...This little clip is worth a few giggles and a trip to Hawaii.

Dear Dad, and Heidi

Just wanted to thank my father for putting the idea in my husbands head about "guiding" on Ship Creek. Research done by him and Ron has shown there is a need for a "guide" on the Anchorage water systems. (This is not an available option for people at this time...ie. there are none as of yet!) Eric and Ron plan on spending the weekend walking our rivers and streams in the area...plotting and planning their new "side job". (Wonder if a tender will fit up ship creek?) So thank You father for giving my husband something to do... Dearest Heidi...If you would spend less time doing things with your children and more time blogging you would have caught the beginning of this episode...it all began with my fish tank...and my husbands fishing trip with a Kenai River Guide on Big Lake....Yes the plant survived...in fact I think it was laughing at the fish....all but a shrimp lived through the experience...I may lose another as he ate a rock and it appears to be stuck...cant wait to see you at coffee...get off this blog do your workout and get your scrawney butt over here.... Love ME

Mud Bath and Marshmellows

Awakening yesterday morning in a "Monday" mood...I took a bit more time with coffee and spent extra time with the kids before starting my day. Melissa was busy messing up her room and Warren was helping me feed the fish. Feeding the fish has become a daily ritual for the boy. A self appointed chore. He loves the way the guppies chase the food and watching the snail suck the glass makes the child giggle with delight. Leaving him to admire the fish...I made a break for the potty room...upon my return I discovered Warren bussily "remodeling" the "pish". I guess he figured they needed a change... a plant my sister had brought over for the "unbirthday party" was sitting between the two tanks...the plant was still in the pot...but the poor thing had sacrificed "it's irt' for the "pish". Peering into the big tank I could vagually make out the fish swimming throught the muddy water....the guppies being natural clows were loving this new "medium" and were bathing quite playfully in the piles that were settling in the bottom of the tank. The shrimp were not quite so appreciative as they were interupted from their ever continuose meal to "dig them selves out" of the vast accumulation of debries. the rest of the fish seemed unaffected by the brown water although the beta did seem a bit perturbed as to why his home would get vandalized so harshly. Throwing the kids out I grabbed the water jugs, filled a bowl and began the process of "catching fish" one would think a net is easier than a hook and line...but one has never tried to catch my cat fish or the "gold torpedo". With all the fish safely in "fresh water" the cleaning process began...and went on...and on...and on...I began to think it would have been easier to go for new gravell than try and get that damn water to run clear. Finally after much help, a nice wet bathroom floor...prompting the clean bathroom...and a missing cat fish I finally had the tanks filled with clean water and "reset". All my little friends survived the ordeal and love their new "clean" home. This process took just over four hours...and 37 missing marshmellows were found...some a little soggy and a couple were even purple...?

Happy Birthday Pope, the tequila is all gone!

All I will say is....Whatever they say is probably true....but it was fun!

Nap Time!

I cherrish nap time...if I am real lucky at least 3 of the 4 will go down at once...today I may get 4 out of 4... Some people say it takes a psychotic person to work with one...I say every one is psychotic...only some of us will admitt it. Pyschiarty has many different studies and many different techniques. It is a field that is not agreed on...a field where it is hard to tell when improvement is being made...little steps... I am interested in helping people "adapt". Life has many changes for us and many people can not navigate change...these people learn early on how to "hide" behind defenses some of us do not even realize they have. You can know someone forever...but you will only know the person they let you know. I have seen this first hand...I have been this person...I have studied this person...and I have realized...honesty with yourself is the only way to true "good mental health" or happiness. Honesty with yourself is the hardest thing a person can do...no one wants to admitt they have issues or even subscriptions....honesty with one self is the basis of all relationships...you can not have a good complete relationship with anyone IF you "hide behind lies to yourself." Just wondering if I am off base here...but dont we all tell ourselves even "little lies" to help make it through the path we call life....? My lie to myself...I have convinced myself over the last several years that I am not strong enough to get a job and be a mom, wife, housekeeper etc...I know it can be done...I have seen it...but at what sacrifices else where? I now realize this lie was to cover up a fear of failure...being a loser is one thing...being a failure is another....but failing is how we learn...failing is okay as long as you tried to do your best...not everyone is good at everything....

Back To School

Trying to decide what I want to do with my life...I decided to check into furthering my education. I filled out the "transfer" paper work a few weeks ago. Hearing from the UAA today I was informed they only have one class left that I need to qualify for Abnormal Psychology Counseling...this would allow me to work at places like API. Not interested...but...with all the other credits I have aquired I will soon be holding a CES (childhood education specialist) this certificate allows me to work as a counselor for both families and children. I also have the credits for a "general counseling" certificate, and there was one more...getting overwhelmed I tuned it out. Here I thought I would have to start all over again in a different area...come to find out...I do not even need to go back to college. Man that made me feel better...and mom...I am no longer "wasting" my education...I have finally figured out how to make it work for me instead of the other way around...now the job...day care and the rest of my life.......

The Beauty of Silence.

...endless dirt road winding between small forests of golden cottonwoods and ever green spruce....scattered marshes flaming in fall colors...and silence......

Worlds Deadliest Jobs

Now those people are crazy...crabbing looks like...well ya it fits..."child's play." My day started off well...I had the house clean and breaky cooking before the little ones got up. Now this is a good morning as Mr Warren does not like it when his tummy is empty and will only take about 15 minutes to turn from a "smiling huggley, little man...to a screamin, demanding, monster like thing." The shift is spontanious and quick. I always have red meat handy to pacify his need. With all the children sitting down eating nicely. Another battle in itself....surfice to say they all were sitting, all eating, and all interested in the same movie. With a once in a life time opportunity on me I crept down stairs and made a dash for my computer...reading blogs I soon heard the pitter patter of little feet. STOP....LISTEN...only one set coming softly down the stairs...giving a sigh i turned glad to see it was Melissa that had found me and the "Twins" were still seated and entertained by Sesame Street. "Mom...Warren wants some juice." these words of need to help another could not be ignored. "Thank You Melissa...for not whinning at me...." I got up and praised her as we walked up the stairs together to fill her brothers cup. Reaching the top she quickly darted to the coffee table to "retrieve the cup".... popping out from behind walls and furniture the inmates attacked. A fourty pound two year old, screaming with delighted glee, lauched herself onto my knee. Her counterpart followed promptly on the otherside with a war cry of his own. I was going down when I noticed the small red head smiling wickedly up at me...rolling toward the living room I was able to avoid a major casualty of war...but in the position I landed I was in no way ready for the lithe movement of the traitor amongst us...a wicked snicker was heard just before the "elbow drop" was administered to my head. Seeing chicken like things I crawled for the stairs...thanks to my bright idea of "lockable baby gates" there was no where else to go...dislodging the male child, rolling away from the once again dreaded elbow (remind me to beat my older kids), twisting myself around the red head to avoid a land slide of people on the stairs, I was met with my worst advasary... Her blue eyes glittered as she looked into mine, her grip tighted on my knee and the weight of her on my dangling leg was getting to much...the little hood lum did not reallize it was I who was keeping her from tumbling down the stairs, one shift of my foot and she would have been tumbling backwards...not a good thought as the fit to follow would not be pretty...thinking fast I grabbed her... thinking she won she released my knee and grabbed for my neck...I was prepared and that moment launched her to the top of the stairs and slid under her on my back down the first flight. Gaining my feet on the landing I heard the wicked giggles turn to shreiks as they realized their prey had escaped.... hoping to trap them in one of the locked rooms I turned into Warrens and looked for something to defend myself with before they arrived...blocks? man that would make me feel better, but I was not so sure the happy laughter would survive if I did this...pillows? well with one I wont get to far...the bed!!! All toddlers love a bed...so up I went bouncing with glee and making the experience look like the best thrill in the world. Realy I noticed Thelma watching and thought I should give her more reasons to think I am crazy. They followed just as I expected...what I did not expect was for them to race straight for the toy box and obtain the swords and hammers (mcdonalds greatest toy ever!) then they made a retreat...but only as far as the gate. They calmly closed it...the leader of the pack reached her chubby hand through the gate and silently locked the lock...I was stuck...the only out the window. Snagging a hammer...with four kids we have lots of those...I closed my eyes and started swinging...peals of laughter erupted just befor i felt the first blows raining my body. I made a retreat to rethink my stratagy.... I climbed on the toy box and began telling them there were "cool things" out the window...one eventually dropped his hammers and came to see what it was...now this did not sit well with the leader and the other one was trying to "rationalize" him to death...(she is way to smart when it comes to reverse psychology)but soon he was up on the toy box...I leaped... taking the others by surprise I made it over the gate and to freedom...their "locky" does not know how to unlock yet...just lock.... They noticed their prey was on the other side of the gate and with the force of a herd of elephants they lauched them selves at the gate...now my husband built this gate with 4 inch screws holding it to the wall...it did not budge... hammers and swords came flying at me...I retrieved them and hurled them back...for several minutes the battle continued...then they discovered jumping off the dresser and on too the bed... stepping away I moved to my room...erased the blog I could no longer remember anything about...laid down on the floor to catch my breath...and began to wonder...who really is in charge here? Why does this job NOT come with "work mens comp", or hazzard pay...and why are parents not allowed to carry weapons? a rolled up towel would have been a good thing to have hanging from my belt.

Whatever

The day dawned bright and sunny, my first thought, it is going to be a wonderful out door day. NOT All four of my little charges woke on the wrong side of the bed. No one was happy and even a trip to the park made two of them mad. So we returned home, I stuffed their faces with cheese and apples (the only thing they will eat) and put them to bed!! (it was only 11:30 and all were asleep by the normal nap time of 1pm) but today I DO NOT CARE. I am worn out and totally out of patients. I am sick of wiping noses and cleaning up messes. I am tired of deciphering "baby talk" and interpreting whine. Thirty days thats all thats left. Soon I will be paid for this or 2 of them will be in day care else where. Not sure yet but I am thinking of going back to work. A nice slope job sounds good....maybe a cook or house keeper....two weeks on two weeks off...and to get paid on my days off as well as a full nights sleep and two weeks free of whine...cant see any negatives with this one yet. Think my husband would mind getting the kids off to day care two weeks at a time? Wandering outside today to get a few minutes away this is the site I saw...glad I did not take any "polinating" advice...it appears that I may have more apples than I will know what to do with. they are getting big and juicy now......good thing the babies like them.

STRESSED OUT!

Well shit, try to put it together an "shit happens" to ruin it all. I must have "jinx" written all over me. Not wanting to be in a "horrible financial position" again I realized that I have a problem with finding time to be an "organized bill payer" yes the bills get paid but not in a timely fashion and I can not seem to get them on a schedual. Wishing I knew more about this I went to Consumer Credit Services of Alaska. At first I was pretty immpressed when the guy showed me how Eric and I compare to other our age financially...we do not have a bunch of credit cards slowing us down. Only three. I left that day feeling great, we are on the right track. Unfortunatly the next apointment did not go as well. With winter coming on and basing our out going expenses on last year we will be in forclosure by next summer. Seems we got hooked up with a "back woods" morgage company who approved us for more than we could afford. "A common scheme by bankers as it is a win win situation for them." Sounds like it should be illegal, but it is not. So once again I find myself "fighting" another battle. Josh and Crystal should be out by the second week of October, they are currently looking at places. I will still be the baby sitter untill other arrangements can be made. It is my hope that Donny to will move out soon, this will allow me to get a daycare license and the state will pay me to babysit my grandchildren. I could pick up one other full time and a before and after schooler. This will bring in about 1800 a month. THE MORGAGE PAYMENT!! Then we could live off of Erics wages all winter. So I have the plan...but now I have to wait on others to do their thing. Donny wants out but since he is newly employed money to move out will take him at least two months. This sets be behind another two months....Takes the state at least thirty days to do the paper work for day care assistance, (and they expect an employer to wait that long untill the parent can be free to work?) Seems our system is set up ass backwards and causes more problems than it is worth. So either I need a suicidal babysitter who can handle four young children for minimal rewards so I can return to work full time...or I need 1500 dollars to move Donny out on the first...anyone know a suicidal babysitter?

Role Call

At home asleep...Warren! At home awake but lying down...Melissa, Nataly, Riley Laundry Matt....Donald, Brittany, Crystal Gym...Josh Work...Eric I think that is everybody but Anna and Brian , all occupied elsewhere, so lets see if I can actually get an hour to myself that is not at 5 am. So life goes on...busy of course...frustrated...sometimes...but mostly just living...what more can we do. To stress only makes everyone unhappy...so time, a few deep breaths and a lot of patience. i wait to see what tommorrorw brings. Well yesterday brought mine and Erics 2nd anniversary...both of us have been talking about it for a week and BOTH of us FORGOT!!! His mom and dad called at 8pm singing "happy anniversary to you." I thought they had gone bonkers untill I realized I had...so of course I did what any human would do...I hung up on the in-laws and called my husband...he will never live it down that he forgot!!! Thanks Jack and Wanda for calling the house phone and not his cell or he would have got me first!! LOL So Josh took his machine to the lake...yes his snow machine...it was awsome watching him speed across the water and not sink...in fact the machine hardly touched the water at all...as long as he kept the throttle going he sailed!!! i think I like this kind of riding much better than that mountain climbing crap...not once did the machine leave without him. the children loved throwing rocks in the water and Nat was furiouse that she did not get to ride with dad...Crystal drew the line on him taking her across the lake...even though it was only about hip deep. Probably safer that way...but poor Nat was bummed. Passing a small coffee stand on the far end of Diamond on our way to the lake we noticed someone else is ready for the snow too...there were at least a hundred snow balls on the ground around this little business...yes snow balls...we stopped to check...it appears that a rather vigerous snow ball fight had occurred in that lot just a short time before our arrival...not sure where they got the snow...but Josh was salivating hard at the sight of the cold white matter rounded into perfect spheres...I was taking molds for finger prints...so we can throw the person who brought the snow in the dungeon with the rats!!! But I guess we must face the inevitable...another winter is almost upon us...funny seems summer has not even got here...time sure flies when you grow up. Hey check it out...I actually got to finish a blog!! So now I must go...I hear the pitter patter of small feet and Riley is not happy...lol now Nat wants to go potty...of course at bed time when all day she pees in her pants!!!

Productivity

So it seems all my productivity has been noticed by my friends and family here in blog land...I have been so productive I have not been able to sit. Okay thats a lie...the truth is I get going on a great blog...then someone interupts me with some little problem...like a bird in the flu, or leaky garbage disposals or poopy diapers. by the time I get back here I can not remember what I was saying anymore....see what i mean...i will be back...kid coloring on the wall again. All righty it is 11 pm and I am giving you a blog. Now I would rather be sleeping but I am tired of being nagged. Kids are asleep except Britt who is talking in the back ground...but i am doing my best to ignore her. So Josh decided to take the snowmachine for a ride tonight. Believe it or not we saw... well I am being interupted now by anna so I will once again get back to ya.... Okay now it's 6am kids are asleep paper is borring and Eric is not home yet so lets see if this works...so what was I saying...oh ya we saw snow balls....ooops eric is home...be back later.