Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Hello everyone...this blog wont be to deep...just a note to say I may have figured out whats wrong with the computer...and am hoping that it will continue to let me blog. Just been painting the home. Warrens room is almost done and it is turning out so cute. The bath downstairs is also almost done. Wish I had not lost the digi-cam at Christmas. So with February around the corner...my family Birthdays (or half of them anyway) are arriving. My big boy will be twenty this year, the other 18. and me....I am going to be 35 again. I kind of liked that age and if I stay it next yyear I can go back to 34. By the time I hit seventy I will be about two and back in diapers again....works for me. When the candles no longer fit on the cake it is time to change the way things are done. This year is also a mile marker for me in the medical profession. After my final and last CT scan (no I have not schedualled it yet) and the clean results it will provide me...medical science will consider me curred...No sister they have yet to find whats wrong with the head....just the cancer....maybe next year. Not a big deal to those who have not dealt with the emotional issues that go along with this type of circumstances. To me it is like a rebirth. My original diagnosis..."you have cancer...", "unknown...unknown...unkown...", "three months to live if you refuse treatment...", months of no problems...."a tumor...". It has been a very emotional time period filled with lots of opportunities for new growth...since I am not dead...I am assuming (hopefully correctly) that I chose the right opportunities when they arose for me. My friends these were not always the easiest choices to make....I also sacraficed alot to get alot more elsewhere. So this year on February 23 I will not be sad...I will not walk down memory lane once again, this year on February 23 I will put it behind me....five years they say your curred and chances for reoccurance are in the very small percentile. I will forever have to live with the scars and physical discomforts of the surgery, but I dont have to forever live with the memories of the emotional world I had lived in. I took the lessons and am moving on. I am sure as life goes on the opportunity to use these lessons will reoccure...I will use them...but I am able to seperate myself from them now....and on February 23....I am curred. Now after all that the word curred makes me sound like a Ham or something....funny how the mendical language, latin by root has slanged words trying to make them easier for "normal" folk to understand...they should have chosen their words a bit better....terminal----I hated when they called me this...I am not a damn bus or freight train, my children may think so but I am not...Curred....been in the smoke house to long and I am curred...oops I am not coffessing anything. So my friends it has been years since I have had a Birthday Party (the last real one in 1998 when the doc called at 6:30 to inform me of my fate.) I am having a Party this year...a celebration of life party. It is not right to throw your own birthday party but to get things right we must do them ourselves...So I am calling it a celebration of life party... it just happens to fall on my birhtday wich happens to be on a Saturday...hehe. All of my friends are welcome and I will even send out invites a bit later in the month...the Super Bowl is the weekend before as well as my parents 40th wedding aniversary...they may be in town also...but the party will go on...we all need a break in the dreary winter blahs....I would love coffee hour and any help and suggestions that may make this day a day for all of us to remember as the first day of the rest of our lives.

Friday, January 20, 2006


Ya this one is a deep and debatable blog, but one I have been thinking about for quite some time now....Every one is looking for "answers" on life. Everyone I know seems to be "reevaluating" their thoughts, beliefs and circumstances. I have spent to many to count hours trying to figure that one out...with five years of advanced education, many, many choices (both bad and good) that took my life off in a new and amazing direction, I have come to one conclusion....No matter who you are or what religion your from. No matter what color your skin is or where you live...consequences for your actions. Accept them willingly, learn from them and dont pass them off on another...this my friends will lead you to the insights your looking for. No one person is perfect...put them together in a groupe and you have just intesified that inperfection....this my friends leads to blame, hard feeling, and resentment. Usually causing a ripple effect and effecting more than just those involved.

My best friend killed herself in a car "accident". She was drunk as a skunk. Her passenger and boy friend was also intoxicated and seriously injurred. His family tried to sue hers, her family did not want anyone knowing she was drunk and had asked us to not mention it. She left behind two little boys that they did not want that information getting back to for what ever reason. Now at this time I was a psychology nursing student, Tina and I had talkied about matters such as these, almost as if she knew in advance that this was going to happen. No not suicide but intuition.
So now whether you like it or not you get my views on this "accident". Tina was at fault, your doing her life a horrible disservice by not accepting it. she knew drinking and driving did not mix. Should her story be kept quiet...NO... her consequences for her actions have effected many. My own children now have seen first hand what will happen if you drink and drive. They will never get that "it wont happen to me" attitude as it has happened to a family very close to ours. Nost of the students I went to school with also chose to quit drinking and driving after her example was set. Tinas death was not an end, but a beginning for her actions to set others into making changes in their own lives, therefore her death saved many lives.

Should his family sue hers...NO...she has paid the ultimate consequence and why should her family suffer for her actions. He also took actions and must pay the consequences for his choice. He could have taken a cab, or walked. Consequences for our actions.

Psychology teaches this to parents, if it is an acceptable form of discipline for children, why do adults feel it is no longer an accetable form for them. do we magically get all the answers at 21 and quit making bad choices? No, instead we learn to pass off our bad judgement on someone else or something else.

Lets look at the Boy Scouts and those gentlemen that died the day they tried putting up a tent underneath a power line and were electrocuted. Hmmm....read that statement again and tell me you dont at least snicker at the stupidity of putting a tent up, especially a tent of that size, underneath a power line. The Boy Scouts (and my husband) blame the tent company...is it really their "fault"? The company is now out of business, leaving about 30 families without an income. Was it their fault too??
Now what about the Boy Scouts...I was quite young in the second or third grade...but I specifically remember, because the consequences were so great, a lecture on playing beneath the power lines, something about not climbing the poles, not flying kites around them, not throwing things over them, yes I to tested this theory but I used an electric fence, same concept differnt shock factor (it did not kill the cows). The jolt of electricity along with the lecture in my head about NOT playing around power lines has stuck with me for a life time. So now I am wondering why the Boy Scouts, who are famouse for the camp-outs, have not thought to teach their young (and older) charges that putting a tent up under the power lines is not advisable.
Consequences for their actions...they paid dearly, as did their families, now everyone learn from this and quit trying to find "who's at fault", I believe those at fault already know who they are and are paying the consequences for their actions.

Lets move on to a little bit personell of an issue...The first time Keith tried to kill me...this was and will entirerly always be ALL his fault. He Assumed wich made an ass out of himself, not to mention started a huge issue with the divorce I was attempting to get. The second time...my fault (at my defense, I had prepared my self mentally for the day it might happen again.) I chose to remain in the relationship and trust him to not hurt me again. First time shame on him second time shame on me...but there will never be a third time. I paid the consequences for my actions...(or choices, either way). I learned from them, moved on with my life and grew inside enough that if I took that damn aptittude test again, the one I scored a zero on (seems I am the only one in the 20 year history of giving the test that scorred a zero) I answered the questions as truthfully as the answers would allow, seems this means I could and would trust anyone. She called me a door mat, with a GREAT BIG neon sign advertising WELCOME. Damn docs always telling me things like I am a doormat, I am fat (the reason my knees hurt). Ya know the truth hurts. I was fat, losing weight did take the pain away. I was a door mat, I have eliminated that neon sign, I think.
I had to face reality, LIFE IS WHAT WE MAKE IT...if your looking for the truth, try accepting it too. If your just looking for answers, try accepting the truth. Your actions make your consequences, live them learn them and dont forget them.