That old poet dude had the question of my life TO BE OR NOT TO BE? Once again I have recieved phone calls stating that Donny WILL be able to return home...this is the third time...do I believe and get my hopes up??? Then the question arrises in my mind...was it my letter that made them change their minds??? Well I was once told "Never Look a Gift Horse In the Mouth" I was five at the time and right after the words were expelled from my Uncles mouth....the "Gift Horse" (a giant appalosa) stepped on his foot...while bent over to remove the giant hoof from his toe the horse bit him on the arm....a lesson well recieved. So my hopes will not soar quite yet...but hearing the news from both States does make it a little more appealing....will I get bit or stepped on????? in my reality

WARRNING THE MAN IN THE WAGON... writes longer worrdier blogs than myself (thanks dad) they always complain that I am too wordy. Watch what you say because it will be used against you for future possible sabatages. Know that most of what he says is with a pure and carring heart...when his evil twin has not taken over and twisted his words and actions into a giaganteouse "bra" sitcom. (a story for the Christmas letter I am sure) So read his blogs with an open mind and pure heart...the man has the best advice...after you sort out the bull shit. ( I can never tell the difference so I take ALL his words to heart.) Usually this in NOT in my best interest...so when in doubt...check with his wife...she takes sympathy on those of us he is torturing and will usually give up the truth...with a few pursuasive tears....Maybe she too will join us with her wisdom..stay tuned for my reality to become much more interesting.

Thank You Everyone for the wonderfull Birthday...I was not sure what to expect or think...My wonderful husband set me up for another surprise on my Birthday...this year a good one....I GOT AUTO START!!! A feature I have always thought an extra accessory that realy was not necessary...that is untill this winter...When I go start the truck to warm up...that is the signal for the wine to start in both babies...from the time I get back in untill the time we pull out of the drive way both kids will wine cry and fight. I am hoping this will put an end to that half hour of pure torture and possibly cut the wine time down to the 15 minutes it takes to corral, coat and shoe the monsters.....summer would also put an end to this battle....but why wait. Thanks again guys it was great. Sorry you could not get in Sarah...missed you but I really enjoyed out hour long phone call.

Happy Birthday to me, Happy Birthday to me, Happy Birthday to meeeeee, Happy Birthday to me. So 36 that is just four years from 40!! Wow who woulda thunk!! Funny I dont feel 40, oh ya cuz I am only 36 hehehe. So many long long years ago a little girl dreamed of her life at 35 (funny I always saw that as the age of adults.) Well 35 has come and gone now...so guess I should have been using the P's cuz I only planned my life through 35...thought by now I would be retired and living in a Nursing Home....funny how 36 was so OLD when I was 9 but now I feel it is 9 compared to 50. So I woke at the...well hell crack of dawn dont work here cuz the crack of dawn is still another two hours away at least...I woke at 3:30 unable to sleep anymore...I would love to blame it on the sore mouth and nose from Bud's little head bang...or maybe on the belly ace from eating a whole bag of Reeses Peanut Butter Cups...but its not either of those things...Seems that I am waiting for Santa...I know its just another day but for some reason this year I am excited for today...its not the material gifts I will or will not recieve but the thought that TODAY IS THE FIRST DAY OF THE REST OF MY LIFE. Where to from here....well hell I dont know...guess I better figure it out though cuz "When I grow up" is about used up as an excuse. So my dear life associates...Happy Un-Birthday to You Too!!!!! wanna come for a tea party? No one wants coffee no more.............

Well the Parole Devision here in Alaska has flat out denied Donny to come if he has to live in my home...so this leaves me an option of renting him an apartment and "hoping" that they will allow this....This leaves me PISSED OFF!!! I figured it would come out this way so disappointment is not an issue but I will NEVER again trust our system to do whats right...A system that has continually screwed up my life. Yes this is about me now. I want to know what it is I am suppose to be doing with this situation....I believe all situations happen for a reason...I believe that in two years when he is off parole he will be here...in the mean time...I AM SO ANGRY at a system that fails for the majority and succedes for the criminal. Seems Donny and I will get screwed no matter what. So now I hoping my letter reaches someone who will read it...take pitty on us and help me figure out how to fight a system that is so crooked and large no one really knows who the boss is. Well babies coming up the stairs my day begins.......

Febuary 22...seems this month has flown by. Spring will be here soon, first yard to thaw MUST host the first BBQ of the season, Sara you dont count as your snow blew away last week hehehe Cant quit thinking of being out doors with out a coat on....warm sun, and screaming kids who are screaming with joy not fighting from borrdom. Actually threw the babies out yesterday. No I did not actually throw them, well maybe once (kidding) After they figured out ICE IS SLIPPERY they learned quick to watch their step...see two babies under three can figure out caution why cant our adult population. Thay had a blast, even stayed out for almost an hour...drug buddy in screaming but he would not leave his gloves and boots on. Lou stayed out anther 15 minutes untill we had toleave to take Britt to Noes. I am breaking them in now so they will love it out there when they can actually walk!!! So think spring...it will be here soon...then enjoy it while we have it...last summer flew by.

MY DAY OFF!! So I spent my day off being very quiet…could not wake up the kids ya know. At around 1 I cranked the tunes to try and shake the “don’t wake the children feeling” It drove me crazy!! I had to turn the music down because the anxiety of waking the kids that were not even here was killing me. Beyond that I enjoyed my day. I did none of my normal chores. Just read and slept. The children returned around 8:30…Warren was so excited to see me he immediately threw himself into my arms and snuggled in. Just when I relaxed and was enjoying the moment his spring loaded feet full of enthusiasm bounced his little body straight up….up into my nose….home for less than 10 minutes and I get a broken nose. Yes my friends once again my snout has been wonked. I do believe this makes the tenth time…Medical insurance should pay for a reduction….this thing is dangerous to my face. So now I can’t wipe my nose without pain. I blow blood and I have a new crooked spot right between my eyes my nose now lumps on the left. Thank GOD for little boys (his oldest brother broke it twice and cost me a tooth.) NEW GOVERNMENT STUDY!!!!! Question of the day….WHY IS ICE SLIPPERY??? This my friends is the newest study our tax monies are going too. What a waste of money…sounds like a great experiment for elementary school science….hey Tater???? Write the thesis on this one and you may get a Nobel Prize. So why is ice slippery??? Could it be that frozen water is smooth unless disturbed by an outside force…Could it be that a smooth surface is slippery…hey maybe ice is not really slippery and we are all just using that as an excuse to take our vehicles off road and for the clumsiness we have when our feet wont stay underneath us. Non slippery ice….hmmm can we copy right this John????

So I followed the link on Heidi’s site. It took me to a personality test…so after many minutes of debate with my internal naggy voice I decided to once again challenge my self to a test that supposedly tells me who I am….see the last one called me a doormat. Seems I have no aggression and no fight. I will give to whoever, whatever, whenever. Well at the time of the test I did not agree…looking back….well why the heck do you think I don’t wanna take this quiz….So heres my results….. Shana, you're a Lethal Weapon! (I like that much better than “DOOR MATT”) You're open-minded, enthusiastic, and popular. (Popular? me??). Chances are you might even break the rules sometimes. You're motivated and serious, and you always jump at the chance to take on a new project. Innovation and abstract thinking are your strengths. You get cabin fever if you're cooped up too long. Sometimes you'd rather just work on an independent project so you can concentrate without having to deal with people (so so very true). And you secretly question your self-worth. (used too but not anymore, I don’t think?). So I like these results so much better…granted the test was not nearly as in-depth as the one I took at the shrinks…but much more positive….how’s that for GIRL POWER Sista’.

so after sitting up half the night waiting for Nat and Riley to quit playing and go to bed (Nat kept tickling Rileys toes and making her laugh) Warren awoke twice when he heard Riley fuss but only riley got me up last night and I guess that is expected with a 6 month old.....but tonight...aaahhhh ya tonight....at five Eric and I are taking ALLthe children to Wassilly...yeee hooo. We will load up Brittany and Noe, Warren and Melissa, Natalyand Riley...yes this will take two cars but.....we will NOT be reloading them when we return home....they are invited to spend Presidents day with Josh and Crystal.....So tomorrowmy friends....my phones wont be on....I will sleeep till Iam ready to get up and then...well I think I will just do what I want and do NOTHING that I normally do when their home. so many projects that I want to do and cant with them here...they like to help. Saturday Britt, Noe and I took the babes to Rondy...it was not what it used to be...seems trapping and sled doggs have been replace by Hummvies and Beemers. The Rondy police and clowns are no more...saw one Rondy cop and NO clowns.(bet those clown haters will go next year now.) Every Girl Scout in Anchorage was in the parade except our lovely leaders troops it appeared. (Cant blame ya Heide the weather this year was great but normally?????) Thanks to my city driving experience we got front row parking to the carnival and pony rides and just a block away from the parade.(traffic is great IF you slip behind the road closure signs and hit the first alley you can find) The sun was out and the kids had a blast...except one minor issue that will in the future become a major one.....a float....this float came by toward the end of the parade. It was a truck pulling a trailor covered in snow. On the trailor was a sled dog team made up of stuffed animals with a real sled and musheer...cool huh? well beside the musher trying to get up the snow hill was JESUS. Jesus was crouched under the weight of his cross. He was covered in blood, his hair dirty and hanaging wildly around his face. His face...oh my...his face was made up too look like he was dead. Hollow eyes, blood streaming from his hands and head. I watched the float to see if he was alive, I was so shocked by this dispaly that I did not even read the sign to see who it was. Well my friends their little scare tactic did the trick....I WILL NEVER GET MELISSA ANYWHERE NEAR JESUS or his ASSOCIATES. That float scarred the hell out of her. I tried to talk to her but she is not even three yet. So after dislodging her from the back of my head where she was hidding from that horrifying man, we had to leave. She was so scarred. Now you say Jesus to her and she freaks out. Thanks to that church my daughter will have religion phobias forever. Yes my friends another letter to the editor will be submitted by me and maybe someone reading it will belong to the orginization that choses to portray Jesus in such a horrible way. I understand what they were aiming for but a parade is NOT the place to portray it. Jesus should be sitting on a log holding small children and animals with a welcoming smile on his face...not that horrible immage. The ponies saved the day...she had to ride three times before she forgot about that image...costing me fifteen bucks. No they dont offer a discout or punch card. But they made her smile again and I so love to see her smile.

JOBS I HAVE HAD BUT LIE ABOUT HAVING SO AS TO MAKE MYSELF LOOK LESS OF A DORK..... sorry I am a dork...cant think of....oh,oh, I got it...an arobice instructor...hey quit laughing it was the only job available in Neah Bay Washington...it got me in shape even if I cant hold a rythym...but dorks dont teach arobics....jocks (staps) do. MOVIES I HAVE GREAT DIFFICULTIES UNDERSTANDING most of them....see its hard to understand a movie when Melissa is next to you questioning the reasons for everything and Buddy is drinking lamp oil. PLACES IN WHICH I WANT TO VACATION... Me personally????What someone actually cares what I want??? Well damn it I have spent so much time focussing on what the family needs and wants I do not really know...I guess anywhere there is ocean beaches and no children would be a vacation for me. FOODS I CAN NOT STAND... any on my furniture and floor!!!! At the moment I dont like food...it requires chewing...accept the hersheys syrup wich could be the reason for the belly ache I am suffering from. Give me a month though and I dare you to try and find something I wont like...lets start with steak kay??? PLACES I WOULD RATHER NOT BE... well hmmm this one too is hard...flying on an air plane would be a good one wich I guess eliminates most of the world for me huh??? Cant stand being on a plane...cant stand being anywhere that I can not take control and save my butt if the need arrises...where do you go when your on a plane and something goes wrong????? yep straight down!!! ALBUMS IN MY COLLECTION I BLAME ON MY HUSBAND... what collection??? VEHICLES I HAVE NEARLY TOTALED... a ford tempo....damn people who are scarred of ice should not drive on roads that are icey as all get up down steep hills with lots of corners...others who are not quite as scarred but cautiouse can not see you stopped in the road on a blind corner....others coming down the hill on icey roads probably can not stop well either....so despite my best effort, that even included a "flintstone" break job (yes i opened the door and put my damn foot down in hopes to stop my slowley slidding car from smacking her quivering hind end.) Yep I smacked her then the cop behind me smacked me, then the bus behind him smacked him, the truck next in line was lucky enough to have a bus in front of him and was able to see it round the corner and hit its break lights or we may have been trashed. I was the one who recieved the damn ticket. excess speed for road conditions...funny since my wheels were not moving just slidding verrrrry slowley. PEOPLE I TAGGED... since all my friends have tagged me and I am last to do this silly thing I have no one to tag so instead I challenge all of you to answer this one question........ WHY IS IT THAT WHEN WE CAN SLEEP IN THE KIDS ARE UP AT THE ASS CRACK OF MORNING AND WHEN WE CANT THEY SLEEP TILL 10???????

So my dear friends....long time no coffee hour....sure miss having someone bigger than 3 feet tall to talk to. With Anna working now and being a full time parent of a five year old...yes we have more in common now....we are both too busy to "just hang out". Heidi's husband being on nights screws up her social life....Sara had to go and move to Houston....and Tabitha...well where the hell is she anyway???? Taaabittttthhhhaaa????? Seems she does not check her message machine either as she has not returned any phone calls...must be caught up in having kinky time before her husband returns to work...initiating their new home....yep that must be it....Tabs getting some. so in the mean time...I wander around my house lost and in a daze of abandonment by my peers. I did dream however last night that the snow was gone and we could play outside again...when the sun comes up will my dream be true???? Shit dumb-dumb it was a dream do you believe everything you see and hear??? As a matter of fact I do if I feel believing it will make my life more fun. So Eric heard on the radio yesterday that nicotine is an addictive drug...did you know that? He also heard that the smoke from a cigerette can cause lung cancer...bet thats news to you too...So as he was discussing his most recect aquision of knowledge...my radio stated that 60% of men in our country suffer from erectile dysfunction...poor bastards....need I say more.

Good Morning my friends...I know none will believe me but I do believe the first warm weather storm has come to begin the process of taking winter away. At 3am the winds had to be 45 degrees it was monsoon weather. SPRING peoples SPRING. My favorite time of the year...pretty new flowers will be bloomin in just a few weeks now. The buds will come out and the bears will awaken. OH ya I read there is a sow who is probably pregnant that stays in the Baxter Bag area. No one has reported seing her but she has been being tracked for a few years now. She was last sighted with a boy bear...doing the wild thing here in the bog. The boy bear was darted, tagged (after he finished his little fling)he was then left there with the female to see what happened. He awoke and high tailed it (do bears have tails?). He was last seen in Girdwood but seems to spend most of his time sleeping by the foot bridge over tudor by the native hospitol. A very good article discussing Anchorages Bears....did you know we have 30 of them that continually stay in Anchorage? Who would a thunk! So I am trying not to be litterate of educational in this blog...."stuffy" is what Britt calls me when I go on my tangents. Just want my friends to know I am here thinking about them and awaiting spring. (I am hibernating like the bears do.) Currently my little lu' is in Wassilla with her brother. She is attempting to talk him into taking her to see Mickey Mouse. Her little heart is breaking because her father and I wont allow her to take the "monies in my pocket" and "go on the plane to see Mickey Mouse." She swears that she will come home after she "hugs Mickey." So she has started a "piggy bank" she is willing to give up "bouncey balls" to save her money to go see Mickey. Her daddy and I better pull one out of our hats as it is going to take her a long time to save up enough "bouncey ball" quarters to go see Mickey. think I can convince himto come here? How come when the Magic is there for the kid we cant afford to do a damn thing about it? By the time we could possibly take a trip like that she will be at least 5...ya she would remember it better...but the magic will be different then for her. So we are discussing "Divedends" If we pre-plan far enough in advance we could use that money to go somewhere next winter. My friends I have investigated.....IF I could round up 8-10 families that wanted to go each person would be required to buy their own plane ticket but a week long pass to Disney World (the kids swear it is better than disney Land) and room could be put together via a "community package". A condo that sleep 30-40 (meaning it has at least 10 rooms) rents for 600 dollars a week in the off season...if you do the math that is less than 100 dollars a family for lodging for a whole week. With a kitchen in the condo...(for 100 bucks more a week they throw in maid service too) we could cook our own meals, but at the price of lodging we could afford to eat out to. A community pass to the park for a week would be an additional 680 dollars, but devide it by per-person and it would be oh so cheap to go. Having a few families would also allow us to "take a break from the group" hell each set of adults could actually take a day to themselves with so many there to help watch the kids. So my friends I am thinking what a better way to spend a week...surrounded by lots of friends and family, annoying little children, and Mickey Mouse. so with this blog I did get you thinking....Vacation anyone? No Sara not Hawii sorry come on though Beautifull sandy beaches surrounded by wonderfull green-blue seasand warm air----or---Mickey Mouse.....? Not a hard choice...think they will notice when we get on the wrong plane? shhhhhh.

Guess I should explain the last post. In my reality I have lost all faith in the judicial system. It has continually been screwing up my life. I have tried pretty much everything I can think of doing without hirring an attorney. So the above letter has been sent to ALL of our state government officials. (damn email is great!!) It has also been sent to ALL of the Washington government officials, both state Omsbudsman ( a free agency that files grievences against the government if the issue warrents), and all the major news papers from three major cities in Washington as well as our own lovely Anchorage Daily News. After writing (and mailing the letters) I realized to be fair to all envolved I would also send a copy to the juvenile parole devision here in Anchorage, along with this letter, February 4, 2006 Shana Baxter 3015 Ambergate Dr. Anchorage, AK. 99504 907-929-3358 To Whom It May Concern: I am tired of playing a game with my son’s life. I have spent over 700 dollars in attempts to get him temporarily to Alaska where he will have an extensive support system to support him in reestablishing himself in society. As the letter enclosed reads, the state government has continually made bad decisions in my son’s life. He has paid the consequences for his actions, now I am asking the government to pay for theirs. My son needs a starting point. I have set him up a place of his own that meets most of his basic needs…this cost me the 700 dollars. This was only meant to be a temporary place…two weeks at the most…or until I received confirmation that he could remain in the state. At which time we would have found him a place of his own. I went as far as to get him a job, this helps to pay rent. I even have been willing to provide all transportation to and from treatment and work. I or my husband are willing to be at his side pretty much when he is not sleeping. His job is with my husband so he will make it to and from work. A treatment center here in Anchorage has agreed to continue his court appointed treatment for the two year requirement. So it seems that a law is what is stopping this process…a law I have addressed in the letter enclosed. I am also stating that P is discriminating against myself and my son. A statement he made to me….”once a sex-offender, always a sex offender.” And the fact that he had made up his mind on this before he even gave us a chance. He has continually talked down to me and attempted to make me feel inferior as a parent…this I find very insulting since I have been a parent almost as long as he has been alive…with extensive psychology training to back up my life experience. So it seems to me that everyone has been allowed to mess my child’s brain up but me. Seems since I carried him for nine months…I nursed him for 6 months and I was the one who did the demanding baby years…why am I being punished because the courts decided “the parent with the job” is the better parent. Not that it matters now but I was on maternity leave then. So I am tired of running into road blocks…I am tired of my sons and my life being put on hold for who knows what reason….I am sending the attached letter to all of my state and local government officials. It is also being sent to ALL of the Washington State Government Officials, along with the major news papers in both states, and the State Ombudsman’s. I am angry…I have run out of places to turn and do not have time or money to hire an attorney and wait the many years it takes for a non-criminal suite to get before a judge. So if anyone at your office or CPS would like to sit down and discuss, with an unbiased opinion of someone they have not even met, I would be happy to find a conclusion that is acceptable to all. In the mean time the attached letter is going out in today’s mail to all of the above referenced people. Sincerely, Shana Baxter So now I am having an anxiety attack over what the outcome of this is going to be...but I have mailed theletters so there is no going back....

Discrimination comes in many forms. To Whom It May Concern: I am writing this letter because I am angry. I am angry at a system that does not work. I am angry at a system that has lost all humanity. I am angry that I have been denied my sons child-hood, and now I am again being denied my right and responsibility as a parent. In the eighties during a time when Welfare reform was a huge topic I was on Welfare. I was attempting to get out of a very hostile marriage to a Fire Man. We had put together a mutually agreeable custody plan and submitted it to the court commissioner. He refused to approve a plan we had actually agreed on. His grounds were that someone was going to have to pay child support. He awarded temporary custody of the boys to “the parent with the job.” . This started an eleven year battle in the courts of Washington. We never stood before a judge despite many costly days sitting at the court house awaiting hearings that had been scheduled three months in advance. Three out of the six times witnesses had been flown in from other states and professional psychologists had been paid and subpoenaed to attend a trial that never came forth. The situation now is complicated but suffices to say I am willing to third party my son who is a felon in Washington State to for an offense against his step-siblings. He served his full sentence, at his request, so he could stay in treatment and finish High School. Having no stable support system he was released at 17 and expected to maintain an apartment and a job, with little to no help in learning how to fill out job application, obtain a drivers license, or even pay his bills. I am teaching him all this via very expensive phone conversations. Seems to me the system and his father, have once again set him up to fail. His parole officer is Washington has put in for him to transfer to Alaska where he will have a support system that is quite extensive. I am a custodial parent residing in Alaska. The state I call home is denying me my rights as well as my responsibilities to my son. I have spent many Saturdays on the phone with his counselor from the Youth Center he was detained at. I have studied the criteria they taught him to help him identify with his victim, accept responsibility for his actions as well as techniques that will help him prevent future actions of the sort. A “Law” in our state, states that “a sex-offender may only reside in a home with children IF the children are biologically related to the offender.” I am told that this means a person who commits a sex offense against a minor may only live in a home with their own children. Not siblings, nieces, nephews or the. So as I see it, a person who has committed a sex crime and is returned to their own children with the parental authority over the children is more of a risk for a repeat offense than a person who was 14 when the offense occurred then returned to a home with parental supervision. Siblings or no sibling. I feel my son is being discriminated against because of an uprising in sex offenders and the laws being questioned in our state at this time. A quote form the Parole officer that was assigned to help make the decision of whether Alaska would accept the transfer…”Once a sex offender always a sex offender.” I have not heard back from the man since the phone conversation that prompted this statement. I feel I am being discriminated against due to my choice of staying home and raising my children. A choice I made despite the pay cut from Registered Nursing. A choice I will defend. I have been treated as if I have no common sense. As if I did not spend 5 years of my life learning the anatomy, physiology and the psyche of the human being. I feel the parole officer here in Alaska and the judges in Washington made assumptions about me and therefore past judgments that have continually effected out lives in negative ways. All I want is the chance to be a mother to my son. The chance to help him salvage his life. Seems in a society where so many don’t care I would be given kudos for taking the responsibility of my child. Instead I am being punished and so is a child who just spent his entire childhood in a home where he was a product of the system that was suppose to help him. The best thing the system did for him was arrest him. This removed him from a home where he was not wanted and put him in a place where he was taught self-esteem and compassion. A place that he felt safe for the first time in his life was behind bars. So much for protecting the innocent. The Laws have been against him from the age of 2. Sincerely, A mother who loves her children Shana Baxter