Thursday, March 06, 2008

Truth...the whole truth is long...so take what you get.

This blog may be taken offensive by some. It was not meant that way. This is a blog of honesty and love...If we lie to ourselves we commit a great crime against our own person.

As a mature adult is it not time to put Jr. High gossip and High School games to rest. Over the last several years I have been listening to rumors many about myself. I am appalled that adults still act this way. So I am blogging this to make a few things clear to all. With my class reunion coming up I am looking forward to seeing many old friends and acquaintances...at the same time I am hearing rumors and crap about class mates and myself that are so old dinosaurs have pooped on them...it is time for us all to grow up.

So lets start here...yes...I had my first baby at 16. He is now 22 and joining the army...a father and a husband...a boy to be proud of. And yes I did have another at 18...he too is a boy to be proud of...holds down a job and lives his life to help others. Yes both these boys have different dads...thanks to rumors. And yes I did divorce the father of my second child. My fault or his does not matter it is water under the bridge and lessons learned.

I did get into another long term relationship and had a beautiful daughter who is almost 16 and a very good student in school. Through the relationship with her father I learned a lot...and furthered my education to assist myself in my own life struggles and to gather information for helping others. Unfortunately Cancer found me and my struggles began again. My relationship which was already unstable was killing me (literally as he now has a record with the courts of Washington).
I will admit at this point I lost it...I was a nurse who was told she was dying of cancer...involved in a very bad relationship that I lost hope of saving or getting out of. Coming to terms with dying is not a process many will have to go through in their life times until old age sets in. Until you have been there please don't judge the way others handled the situation.

Yes at this time with death hovering near and a relationship that was violent...I wanted to die...and not wait for cancer to do it...the pain my kids were suffering was horrible...my death would have eased it quicker for them allowing them to get on with their lives with out me, is how I saw it then. And yes in 1998 and 1999 I had a problem with drugs. Prescription drugs that doctors used to freely prescribe. Morphine was my drug of choice as it would kill me with out pain. Pain in my heart was way worse than the pain my body was feeling. At that moment...I saw all my failings...which many seem to love to keep shoving in my face...and I regretted that I did not have the time left on this earth to fix them.

A trip down the Oregon coast changed my life. Sitting on a bluff one day I realized that maybe modern medicine was killing me. Maybe if I had faith in the words of Jesus Christ I would be saved from this horror that was eating my body away....

I returned to the hospital I worked for...I handed in my license and my time card along with my notice of resignation. I accepted the consequences for my actions which included a potential imprisonment for embezzling narcotics from a medical facility. Lunch with the DEA ended with a hug from him...and him carrying my license to where ever they take them. This DID NOT in any way affect the fact that I did graduate from nursing school at the top of my class...the information i learned will always be with me and I use it daily.

I came home to Alaska to die. I brought my kids to meet my family figuring once I was gone their dads would never allow them up here. Faith helped me survive. Faith and love.

The unconditional love my sister and her husband gave me at a time when they did not really know me showed me someone in this world does care. Eric taking the chance with a women who has death hanging over her head showed me NOT to give up. Several months after Eric and I started dating a tumor was found in my kidney...again the battle began...this time I lost a rib and a kidney but thanks to a wonderful Ultra Sound Tech at South Pen Hospital and the love of Eric and my family...the tumor was found before it had the chance to rupture and spread that horrible crap through my body again.

Even though the outcome was different this time, I fell into a major depression...would I have to deal with this the rest of my life? One organ at a time? Try living with that fear. Every ache and pain in my body made me feel it was back...still does if I let it. Once again I ran to docs for help...mood altering drugs were prescribed...these made me forget...but did not allow me to deal with reality....

Just six months after losing my kidney Eric and I found out we had defied medicine and I was going to have the baby they said I would never conceive again. This was a hard choice for me to make...keeping a baby with the medical issues I had. It also required Eric to leave fishing so he would be home to help me as I was still recovering from a major operation and had many weight restrictions and limitations. This is when we moved to Anchorage....I needed to be close to the specialist.

Today Eric and I are the proud parents of two beautiful children...he works very long hours to support us and I keep his home up and his meals cooked while attempting to achieve a career in writing...something that does not require me to break all my medical limitations.

So on that note...I have one kidney....I have had cancer three times and I have five children...I am not a drug addict and neither is my husband the alcohol consumer many remember his as. We have worked hard for our children all of them and will continue to do so until the day we can no longer.

Faith saved my life. Faith is my drug of choice. Faith that man kind is good and not evil...Faith that somehow someday we will see the paradise on earth we all so desire. It may not be the materialistic one many think they need...but our needs will be met...food will be had by all...and illness will no longer exist. As soon as man realizes that we are all here for the same purpose...to live together in love and harmony.

so on that note...."DO UNTO OTHERS AS YOU WOULD HAVE OTHERS DO TO YOU....and hakunamatta."

***Thanks Franki and Karen for giving me the motivation to write this...I do not want to hide from the school bullies anymore...it is about time people realize life is not about how we look, or who we live with, life is about appreciating the little things...like the slush puddles in my front yard...so now...the babies and I are going out to play in them....Thanks Franki....your a wonderful woman.

Comments on "Truth...the whole truth is long...so take what you get."

 

Blogger Stan said ... (7:30 PM) : 

Hey, who cares what "school bullies" have to say, their opinions and attitudes only show that they are shallow and cannot face reality. I have never known a bully or someone that gossips that does not use it to cover some of their own indescretions, secrets, or shallow lives. The main thing is that you can look at your in the mirror, tell yourself that "yes, I have made some errors", but I have learned and moved on in my life, I am a survivor! For those that have never errored is making a big error thinking that way. Stand tall, stand proud because you are a strong, intelligent woman and mother, and oh yes, grand mother. If the school bullies want to pick on you, you still have a couple of brothers to back you up, if that does not work, I am sure your two bothers in law will back them up and if all else fails, your dad will go and wrup up on all of them. Love you,
Dad
P.S. Wait until you are at the Class Reunion - you will be amazed how some of your classmates will have changed. When I went to Colroado as a guest of their 40th Reunion, although we were all the same age, I felt like I was the youngest person there. The little "hotties" that I remembered from school, all I can say is that someone forgot to keep the fire going! I met a Homer Classmate of mine a few weeks ago, I also knew her husband, he weas a couple of years ahead of us in school. I was the MC at the Cabin Fever Variety Show. Following the show, your mother and I was standing there and this couple walked up to us, I knew I was in trouble when she said I bet you do not remember me. Out of a class of 13 it is difficult to forget anyone, but I had no concept who this lady was or her bald headed husband. They knew where we lived, we live within a mile of each other. I have no concept how many times I have probably sene them over the past 25 years and never recognized them.

 

Blogger Shana said ... (9:48 PM) : 

Thanks Dad...I needed to heat your words right this very moment...I LOVE YOU SO MUCH. Your a wise person and I have always looked up to you.

 

Blogger Shana said ... (9:48 PM) : 

oops that was hear...not heat...lol...tears make it hard to type.

 

Blogger its only me said ... (10:05 PM) : 

mom i am so glad that you didn't end your life. God knows where I would be. There was so many times that I just wanted to end it. But my thoughts always came back to you. So without you here, I might not be here either. Mom I love you so much....

 

Blogger Shana said ... (11:43 PM) : 

well who were they? or do you not remember again?

 

Blogger Shana said ... (11:44 PM) : 

I love you too son. Your a good man and a wonderful son...some woman will be lucky to land you.

 

Blogger j, d plumma said ... (7:57 AM) : 

Is this "verboseness"?
Good job out-writing the prattler! He better have more than one pencil to lay down more words than you!

 

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