Warrning!!! This Blog is deep.... So I laid here last night exhausted...not physically that will come in a week after I an done moving. Mentaly though I am pooped. Emotiions are running high with the move just around the corner....but more so my parents and my grandparents are riding hard on my mind. Even more than them is the age process.....seems scarry now that I look at it from an adult point of view...wonder when it was that being an adult meant 'growing up" freedom from constricting orders from people who know absolutly nothing about youth....became well now I am that person who knows nothing about youth (according to my daughter). Am I old now too? Okay aged not old...mature...all positive words for a process that must happen someday to us all. So I lay there last night going over a conversation my mom and I had a few weeks ago....Grandma was taking a planter outside to dump the dead plant over the bluff (not on grandpas yard). she went to toss the contents and tossed herself instead. she rolled down about 15 feet my mother said....then she just laid there waiting for Grandpa to come save her. Two hours later he had toured the yard calling for her but never approached the bluff to look for her there....assuming she must have went to a neighbors (wich he does not her) he went back inside. Grandma then realized she would have to save herself....Now with osteoporosis and her 83 year old body that 15 foot climb back up to the house took her awhile and stripped her of her shirt and bra...this devestated my grandmother....to not be able to help herself up that hill then to show up half naked at the door....well both my grandparents realized that life is changing for them fast now Grandpa just turned 84 I do believe Grandma is 83. Grandpa did not take Grandma to a doctor...I guess she was bruised from head to toe......but the emotional trauma is still haunting her according to my mom. Well as with age comes death....a few days ago my grandmas BEST friend in the whole wide world passed away...Grandma was there untill about an hour before the end...she did not want to be there when Helena took her last breath....Now this is a woman Grandma has had a standing dinner date with for 50 years...every thursday piano and dinner. Now she feels that loss deeply....not to mention her age....Grandpas health has been declining for a few years now...he is almost blind but still functions well. the emotional turmoil may change that....Now I know these are normal life processes and living till 85 is a huge achievement...but i did not think it happens so soon. hehehe that makes no sense silly girl. Okay so now the kicker....my dad...his leg has been going for a few years now Peripherial Artery Disease is the cause...bad diet, no excersise, and lots of cigs and coffee. So now his foot sounds like it is infected...the infection is effecting the rest of his body and making him toxic. This could kill him. I do not think they wanted me to know....Dad talked to Heidi but neither of my parents mentioned this to the child who has the education to know the truth. Or maybe they just want me to enjoy my new home with no bad memories to cut up the experience....what ever the reason...I know now....I also have this overwhelming desire to get in my car and drive south...to see for myself what is going on...maybe to convince my father it is time to add another tale to his life.....he needs the leg cut off....not a choice one can make easily I am sure but one he needs to make NOW if he is going to be around for a few more years...(sorry heidi but its the truth I think) So how does one stand up to the man who raised them? How does one put it....Daddy we want you to live...leg or not...sound dumb.....I know he is not open to us with his issues and I cant blame him...he is the parent and losing control is hard for him. But I want my daddy alive....I want him to see his grandchildren get married someday...I want him to live to 85 so I can push him over the bluff in his little red wagon.....hehehe....that would make the Christmas letter....thats another thing...who will write the Christmas letter....I am so sorry Heidi but I have to vent these thoughts or they will rott in my brain.....I am planning on moving all my stuff out of here Friday....and Saturday...then hopefull I and my sister will leave for Homer Saturday evening...we will come home Monday morning I think....but I feel we need to go south and find out what is going on for sure....the Holidays are coming...I felt the need to go to Homer this year but with the new house well it would be fun to stay home....but Christmas in Homer is the plan right now I think. Well i got that off my heart for now....so I am ready for coffee with the girls....you all should be here shortly so I better put the coffee pot back on....my reality