I have been thinking....the things in our past lead us to our lives today...we can not go back and change them...dwelling on them will not make them go away....well my friends something really weird happened to me last night. For the first time in months I slept!!! Most of the night even. I also dreamed...now this is a luxery I dont get to often...(used to get night mares real bad so I think that is why I do not sleep well) I dont know what most believe about the after life...but I believe they can contact us and guide us through our lives if we open our minds and hearts to them...well last night I had a visit...my visitor talked to me about the future...what it is that I am going to do to help...well that is hard...see over the last few weeks I have had this feeling...a feeling that the world is telling me what to do if I would just look. So I am looking...and the sight has me a bit scarred...I do believe I am suppose to take my education farther...maybe not with college...but I have training that is valuable to our world and an opion even more so....See I am a battered wife.......it was more emotional and controlling than violent and physically but the emotions did boil over a couple of times...a punch to the jaw landed me in my sons' lap's at one time....this was the only act of physical violence they actually witnessed. Both times he choked me the kids were gone. When Jeff and I were together the physical stuff was a regular....but the kids were to little to remember. Well now it is 25 years later. I have found the strength to not live that way anymore...as I look back on it I realize it is the judicail systems fault....they made me feel like the violator every time I tried to get away. Then of course family and friends did not see what went on behind the closed door. So if I ever complaind most thought I was blowing shit out my ass.....Well my friends...I now know that is exactly how they get away with it....show the world what they want to see....then close the door on the secret life. I read in the paper yesterday that a woman here in Alaska is addressing the judicial systems part in violating the victim.....Alaska laws are way different than Washingtons from what I am reading....I think I am going to get involved here.......I walked a hard road but I learned the information to survive....can this information help another??? Getting involved would mean digging up past ghosts that I have burried...see not all fights are the violators fault....the victim can start them too just like any other domestic argument....but it escalates beyond common sense and reality in some peoples minds...this is not an excuse but a fact...to control the situation you have to know how your enemy works....unfortunatly so many times the victim is told..."if you had not...." this is kind of like subliminal messages and begins to be believable.......So back to how I can help.....I think I am going to contact that ladyand see if I can not get a victims advocate position. These are not always paid postions but the self pay would be worth it. Sounds easy huh?? Okay the down side...alot of time the women in need are with a real psycho....this psycho does not want anyone involved and will go out of his/her way to protect what they feel is their rights. Not usually to the point of killing but fear tacticts work well too.....So I was a coward....an I strong enough to push buttons on a Bully???? Next question....am I deluding my self in my abilities??? Oh that sounded like bad self esteem....of course I could handle the job...my psych training strengthened my soul and spirit....my life experience was polished up with a formal education that focused on health and family.....I never thought I wanted to go back into this type of work....but maybe it was just Hospitols......my experience with cancer and death of many much loved patient (yes I usually fell in love with my patients.) tarnished the hospitol image for me....I saw reality and did not like it....(the medical fields reality that is) This is a totally different realm of medicine....but still considerd with in my scope of training. Not sure when I would make this change but my gut tells me I should move NOW!!! why I am not so sure....But my gut is usually right.....so what if I am being given the signs that I can help change Alaskas Domestic Abuse Problems???? Do I believe in "signs"? Well I should...they have always lead me in the right direction...ignoring them lands me in "shit creek". Would I have the courage to stand before our legislature and tell them they are screwed in the head with the laws they think "help".???Do I believe in myself and my convictions to push them on others????? Well friend this was one drawn out Blog....but I did not think any of you would like me much if I woke you at 6 am to talk this out....and dammit the kids are still asleep at 8....and I am wide awake.....what the heck????????????????/ my reality